Archive | October, 2012

dilemma

19 Oct

When I was a teenager, it was a crime to skip school; that was how I used to feel. I never really liked school, so, so often I wanted to simply not go to school, or just skip some boring classes and spend time at the art room……

However in reality, I felt guilty if I for any good reason did not attend classes. I remember wanting to become sick very eagerly as a child, so that I can be absent from school legitimately. My mom too was apparently like me when she was a child, so sometimes she kind of recommended me to just skip. But I, even after so many complaints and cries, would still go, unless I am actually, really, and undoubtedly, in a condition unable to go.

Now, I think that was totally ridiculous. Every one ought to have the right to choose off days and on days… I know, with some things, like looking after plants or animals… you cannot have ‘off’. But actually, the system that causes such responsibility and obligation is pretty man-made too. Most living beings are able to look after themselves. Even those who are not that part of the majority, still there should be some kind of community or an environment that can look after them; not just an obligation of a single being.

Back to the topic. Working in a company, while I still have the same kind of guilt and loyalty that causes me to drag myself to the office every weekday- you see, as a teacher, I cannot be absent even if any of the students can be absent- I am at the same time absolutely sure that this does not truely worth. So that is why I predicted yesterday afternoon that I am going to get sick today. Don’t worry, I made the arrangaments to make up for it. I do have that kind of common sense.

Teaching ability is one of the gifts I am bestowed with. It is my passion. But right now, the confines of the environment is just too much, and I feel so helpless. This week was particularly bad, I was losing breaths from just sitting there and thinking about things. I conducted very bad classes, except the one on Thursday, which was after my declare of today’s sickness.

I actually felt the same kind of thing when I was in Japan, as I was teaching children aged 13 to 15 at a tutoring school. I loved them, but at the same time I wished it was not based on institutional fee system; I just had to wonder why do we live in such an economy-based society? I wish I was not paid so that I have no confinements in the kind of things I can do for them. Yet, money was actually my reason to be there, without which I would not have met the students… The good thing was that the boss there was genuinely an educator, and was an interesting and understanding person. I did not feel as chain-bound as I could have.

Anyway! I am off today, did a lot of cleaning and singing. I am happy, i.e. my condition has become better. Now I should have my time for reading. I’ve been having a really bad thirst for good stories. I hope today’s is a good one.

Advertisements

ponderiririwondering

19 Oct

Even if I didn’t wish for a particularly long life,
would I be happy to shorten my life this way?
Wonder why this disability?
Disability to adapt to this environment;
the environment of a corporation.
Many moments I am just about to let go;
let go this income source
and the source of my legitimacy to stay here.
Personal commitments loosely tie me here
but that alone is not the reason why.
Why?
Ask whoever wrote my fate on my forehead.
I can only live my life.

the slug

15 Oct

I should probably be
the hero myself.
A shooting star won’t fly into my hand;
I know, I know.
That’s all that I know.

*

Sometimes I need to take the risk
for my own well being
to stay out late after work, to slip into a fancy cafe
(which might sound crazy for Indians)
for my own well being.

*

Small things affect;
like a man last night at the station
who stepped on and then rolled around with his shoes
a slug
that I think was bleeding some transparent liquid
but was still alive.

***

(c)Tomomi 2012

On a stormy day

13 Oct

Lightening
lights up the evening,
perfectly reflecting my mood;
tensed and windy but strangely silent.
Jacks and bananas and paddy fields
are all adorned with the perfume of rain.

*

Sometimes,
future is no need.
I am living now
and that is sufficient.
Only when my spirit is weary
I look at the future
which is afterall a mirage or illusion
or simply darkness.

*

I need singing for survival,
but perhaps the singing doesn’t need me.
Once in a while I get tired
from chasing all the time.
But at least it’s responsive,
and so I keep this pursuit.

*

Not that I don’t love
my parents, but
I need to find my own people
and my own world
to live my life
and be myself.

*

Even though I wish
for someone beside me
when I feel like crying,
I know, as long as I have such longing,
I don’t worth anyone.

*
***

(c) Tomomi 2012

Dear Eugenie,

10 Oct

You know my BFF* (I still use this abbreviation you coined ages ago… it was probably only a few months after we met),
I like this connecting through blogs.
The good thing about blog is, as long as it exists, you can actually come back after years to update something!

Although I sometimes yearn for warmness that can come right here
(Even in such a hot country in such a hot time),
it is your(*plural*) friendship that keeps me alive and encourages me to go on.

Missing you, but in a way not, because I know you are always there 🙂
Just like how I am.
I think we both came from the same planet long long time ago.
I’m glad we’re born in an era of world wide web,
despite my longing for ancient things….
hmm, or do you think that back then, we didn’t need internet
to get connected beyond time and space?
I wonder.

*BFF=Best Friends Forever

looking at the end

9 Oct

One of my unique traits probably is that I keep thinking about the end; that is, when a particular condition, relation, time, etc, ends. So whenever I hear the flute, or see the children laugh, I always think how long I can be there.

In some ways, this is a good habit, because that is how I have gone over some really tough times. Even now, it is only because I am looking at the end that I am able to stay with this company and even plan what to do here. I know, from experience, that everything comes to an end, and they all just melt into the entity of past.

***

Suddenly I’ve noticed the sensation of tamarind;
Not that I didn’t know before, but I had never
Recognized it.
(Not truly, anyway)
There was a moment when all my knowledge-
That scene from that novel, what people talked about,
And all those tamarinds fallen on the ground,
Neighbors going down and collecting them,
And then all the Meen curry I’ve had before……
– all these came together, pierced through, in flash.
And so, now I can say that I actually know it.
At least the taste, I mean. Hey?

bubbling words

5 Oct

It’s been a bit hard to come up with words these days. From some small emails at work to big precious letter writings for friends, all are like bubbles that get born in the sea and melt into the air as soon as they touch the surface. I have always been a born writer, someone who has to write to keep her life going, never needing urge from others. I still take notes as a record, and even make that into a blog post (this is in Japanese), but even that is becoming a bit of a conscious effort. Why?

Whenever I am putting things into words, I sense some mist in my head, rather some smoke, which prevents me from flowing-fluent writing. Not a physical pain, but like a pain. Why?

It may be due to my singing practice. I have been trying a lot to sail into the non-verbal world. Unlike painting, visual arts, it seems that I never really embodied the non-verbal elements of music. Not that I did not appreciate instrumental musics; it’s just that I was not able to speak in music- that is, improvisation.

But then, it may simply be because of work stress, or insufficient sleep. My weight has reduced by four to five kilos in the past few months; a fact that I never noticed until my homeo doctor saw it from my appearance, seeing me after a month time!

Yet still, even that weight loss may be due to my extensive singing practice these days… I have been singing a lot more than I used to. Five to six hours per day perhaps on the weekends. And I still feel that is not enough. I keep thinking of quitting work, though for the moment- for another year or so, this seems to be the best environment for what I want to learn the most right now i.e. Sopana sangeetham- and, ragams. I shall be able to give more focus to literature aspects only after that.

Oh, by the way- I started ‘teaching’ drawings and paintings to a few children. Teaching is probably not the right word. But anyway, it’s something I started.