Archive | August, 2012

Sleepy.

21 Aug

Distorted… not beautiful, not right;
That’s the kind of feeling I often get,
And put into words in such ways.
But suddenly I realize; who am I to say it?
I am equally crooked and not right.

*

Always, I want to be beautiful.
It’s probably not the right word, but it’s okay.
Anyway it is hard to be so.
The moment of simplicity and neutrality goes after a short timeless second
And I’m back to a miserable human being.

*

… I wrote the above lines a couple of days ago (a week ago, in fact). Moments like that enter me like a fever, but I guess fever catches you only when you have the ground for it. No? (Haha am I not sounding like an Indian…) Still not ready for poetry, I guess. Things are too raw and as they are. Sometimes I feel that this tropical climate is not apt to poetry… or, at least to my English poetical mind. I more feel like prose here. Perhaps I need to learn Malayalam very well, in order to be poetic in this environment.

I know English is meant to be the international language, and languages are only mediums, and even if they frame your way of thinking, still they can be altered according to your background, personality, and the environment…… Yet still, When Japanese things are described in English, I feel it is not quite Japan, and the same for the things here in Kerala… it is not quite Kerala, verbalised in English. When I was writing English poetry-like things in Japan, I was half-way adopting my Australian persona. I think.

Seeing the people here, I so wish to have a family- not to be alone! You may say that that is such a ridiculous thought, because I have my loving parents in Japan, and even here I have people who accept me warmly. Even I wonder why I cannot be just happy enough. Why was I not born in a way I can appreciate my already-embracing environment, and just live happily-ever-after in the country my blood-related people are? I don’t know! But my soul yearned for this place, and that has not changed yet.

But when I get close to someone(s), I cannot help to think of separation- with most of my best friends, I’ve shared very little time together, even though I believe we are spiritually connected deeply. So I am very much afraid of the next separation. Anyway I am ever conscious of my indefinable existence among the strong bonds of families here… what am I here? Or, is it just so stupid to think that way, and I should just blindly believe that I am accepted?

The smell of curry leaves! Now I am just so used to it that it hardly comes up to my mind, but it is always there. The simplicity of life I am enjoying here- no fridge, no washing machine… in my given world, this was impossible in Japan; although it is not simple enough yet, still it is a great advancement from where I used to be. And all these greens, even in a “city”… I am trying to come back to such points, which ought to have been giving me much pleasure than my old habitations.

Anyways, in the end, I always come back to the conclusion that I just need to keep learning… and that that is the only way to be able to see anything further. Just live, and only then some kind of answer will come. Even if it is like a tiger in my dream reincarnated as a sparrow.

*

Even with people of the same tongue
Sometimes you feel that you are the only speaker of your language.
How much does the language factor?
Sometimes you can feel great pleasure and connection
Just by breathing the same air.

*

Sunset, still high at 4pm
Yet shedding that strong light in the room
Through the window.
Ah globalization, or simply that the world is one-
You can’t tell where this is.

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Eucalyptus in Kerala

8 Aug

Dear A, E, and others, especially rindle folks

There has been much rain here recently, and I keep hanging clothes inside the house for drying. But people say that there is a striking lack of rain this year, worst in the past century, and the whole nation is worried about it. I wonder what the situation is in Australia? When I was there, it was always suffering from drought, and only got better after I left. There, I had skin problem due to the dry weather. Here, I had skin problem due to the humid heat- and still lacking water. Just imagine!

But you know what, there are eucalyptus trees here. No koalas though (obviously). I thought that plant is exclusive to Australia. Actually, sometimes as I walk on a well paved road in Technopark, with burning Sun and eucalyptus leaves looking down at the earth, I just feel as if I am in Canberra. Globalisation or nostalgia? I don’t know.

These days are a bit funny. Most of my thoughts go to music and literature i.e. singing, although I am still a part of a corporate company. This teaching job itself is not bad- the fact that I am bound to an air-conditioned office still gives me no pleasure, but sharing some kind of knowledge with some others is always a happiness. But then, unless I am in class, my feelings are like, half not there… they just go wandering to search for something beautiful out in the world. I guess my poetic mind is starting to wake.

I have been learning some Malayalam poems, which can be sung too, and they are just beautiful. I wish I could share with you. Not the time yet, but hope the time will come soon.

Tomomi